When You Cannot See Your Grandchildren: A Grandparent's Grief

There is a photograph on your refrigerator of a child who is growing up without you. Maybe you knew them as a baby and the door closed later. Maybe you have never been allowed to meet them at all. Grandparent estrangement is one of the most invisible griefs in the world, and one of the most common stories in our Thursday circle.

A double loss

When an adult child cuts contact, grandparents usually lose two relationships at once: their child, and their grandchildren. The second loss carries its own particular ache. The grandchildren did not choose this. They are out there having birthdays you learn about from a mutual friend's social media, growing inches you never get to measure. You grieve not only their presence but their childhood itself, which will not pause and wait for reconciliation.

And time presses on grandparents in a way it presses on no one else in the story. It is the quiet fear spoken in our circle again and again: will I still be here when the door opens?

What you can do

• Keep a memory box. Birthday cards written and saved, small gifts, letters about your life and your love. If the door opens in five years or twenty five, your grandchild will hold the proof that they were loved every single day of the silence.
• Stay steady and low pressure with your adult child. Short, warm, guilt free messages on occasions. The parent is the door; pounding on it rarely opens it.
• Take care with legal questions. Grandparent visitation rights vary widely and pursuing them can deepen rifts. Get real legal advice before acting, and weigh the relationship cost honestly.
• Refuse to let the grief go unwitnessed. This is real loss, whatever anyone around you understands.

"Your grandchild will hold the proof that they were loved every single day of the silence."

Jonny's Angels welcomes estranged grandparents as full members of the circle. Your grief is not a lesser grief. Bring it on Thursday, and bring the photograph too. We would love to know their name.

Questions we hear often

Keep reading:

• Grieving a Living Child: When Estrangement Is the Loss
• Facing the Holidays When Your Adult Child Will Not Speak to You